Fullness of Joy

I'm not going to lie, all of these graduation posts are making me a little sad/jealous/ I'm not exactly sure what feelings. I made the decision upon returning to Honduras that I would not be walking for graduation.. After all, I finished my school online, so I didn't have any friends to walk with or share the experience of college graduation with. Along with this, It would be expensive to fly home for a weekend to graduate with a bunch of people I don't know. I decided I would much rather finish the year with my class and watch the kindergarteners graduate. I'm still happy with this decision, but I am a little sad I never got to celebrate with a walk across a college stage in a cap and gown. With this thought, however how cool is it that I am doing what I went to school for, and I'm loving it. The decision to take a semester off and change my major the second semester of my junior year provided lots of stress, pushing off my graduation date (though only a semester), transferring yet again to another school and a major shift in my future plans. However, I don't think I would change a thing, because where I am right now is exactly where I want to be. I'm thankful I listened to what I felt the Lord was calling me to, because if I hadn't I'm not sure where I would be right now.

Psalm 16:11 is probably the most fitting verse for my current feelings and emotions;

"You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

I've written multiple blogs and just haven't finished or posted them.. life here lately has been tough.. super tough. I'm talking about so many different situations, some that have brought me to my knees in a simultaneous anger and sadness at what these kids have gone through, one where one of my most precious relationships with the kids is non-existent at the moment-- he won't look at me, speak to me, or even acknowledge my presence for the last 3 weeks. It sounds silly, but it's not easy. On top of that, the classroom dynamic is difficult-- kids with every IEP imaginable, learning disabilities, behavior issues, and more, all while learning a second language...Life here is no walk in the park.

I've come to the place many times where my heart is just broken for these kids, and there's nothing I can do to change it. Yes, loving them and being here for them is something, along with prayer, but I still feel like it's not enough.. Only God can save them, and more likely than not we won't see or reap any benefits on this side of Heaven, and I'm still trying to accept that. With all of that being said, however, I wouldn't change my life here. I am so thankful to be teaching-- to be using education, what Nelson Mandela once said is "the most powerful weapon, which can be used to change the world." I fully believe education can and will change these kids' lives. So, as much as I'd love to walk down an aisle in a cap and gown with my friends by my side or in the crowd cheering me on, I'll accept that is not my reality, and I'm okay with that. It still makes me sad, but even more it makes me proud, excited and especially thankful to be here living out my dream and the life God has called me to in Honduras.

love this crazy class of mine! (half not pictured)



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